Whoever first coined the phrase “Do as I say, not as I do!” undoubtedly had good intentions but let’s face it, when it comes to raising children, intentions don’t count for much, at least not “for the long haul”. (Yet another old adage; the English language abounds with them.)
For instance: It may have been an expression used by a smoker, who did not want their child to pick up their bad habit, whatever the reason, the phrase has been around for a long, long time and can be applied to many situations. Gossip, back-biting, slander, cursing at other motorists, shoving someone to get to the front of the line, throwing something at the wall, and so forth – really the list can be a long one.
Question: Will this worn out expression… “Do as I say, not as I do!” nurture children, during their formative years, under the aforementioned displays of frustration, anger, etc.?
Answer: Ah… Not much.
Why?
Much of a child’s behaviour is learned by the examples they witness repeated before them. Words help but “Actions speak louder than words!” (Yep, another one.)
Children Learn by Experience
Digressing for a moment: Experience may be the way children learn, however it might not always be the safest. Overindulging in alcohol, experimenting with drugs, and promiscuity are a few examples of life’s experiences we’d like to prevent our children from “Learning the hard way!” (I won’t say it…lol)
Furthermore: How is it that we can easily forgive ourselves, make excuses, and expect our bad behaviour to be tolerated but then… turn around and criticize a child for mimicking the same behaviour? Ludicrous. Right?
Children Learn by What They Have Seen and Heard
That is why it is so very important for adults (parents, teachers, neighbours, shoppers, motorists, etc.) to set the right form of behaviour.
It’s not always easy but it is our responsibility.
Suzanne Rightley is an author of children’s fiction. For a list of her books visit Suzanne Rightley.
Work Ethic and the benefits of part-time and/or summer job work experience should top your teenager’s ‘to do’ list this year.
The first thing that will likely pop into your son or daughter’s mind – on the prospects of having a part-time or summer job is… money. They will focus on what they’ll earn, and what they can buy, but as a parent, you should know that the benefits go beyond the pay cheques.
Having a boss: A boss is very different than a parent or teacher.
A boss tells you what to do (which is similar to a parent or teacher).
However, with a boss, there’s no room for argument (unlike the aforementioned, who tend to listen/tolerate, ready to explain/instruct… with patience).
There’s a required nurturing presence with parents and teachers, which is typically (often by necessity) lacking in a boss.
Following Instruction at the Workplace
If a young employee’s thoughts run contrary to the instructions he or she is given… and should this young employee decide to argue in defense of his or her ideas… then guess what… this particular young employee may not have their job for long.
Teens feel comfortable at home (rightly so) and they like to have their say (Think: voicing their complaints, whining, attempting to reason etc., you get the idea.)
For your teenager… this new ‘work experience’ can be an eye-opener.
The boss is right. That’s it. Whether the boss is actually right or wrong, has nothing to do with it. He or she is right, by nature of the fact, that he or she is the boss.
Your teen will figure that out quickly! Hopefully! Or… there goes the job!
A Discussion on Life Skills They’ll Acquire…
Self-discipline
Showing up, to work, on time, no excuses… requires a great deal of self-discipline.
Now, if you are the type of parent who makes sure he or she gets there on time — you prepare the lunchbox, you set the alarm, you yell at him/her until they finally get up, you make breakfast, etc., then…well…you are the one who is self-disciplined (but you already knew that).
However, if your teen takes the initiative for all of the above, then they already know a thing or two about being self-governing (congratulations… mom & dad… you’ve already done something right along the way).
But… like most teens, they might need some pushing, reminding, and so forth…, but hey, that’s all part of what a part-time or summer job can do for your son or daughter.
Thanks to you… and thanks to the job… your teen is developing a strong character trait.
Discretion
If there is ever a place to learn that it is best to keep your mouth shut, and not get caught up in gossip and slander — it’s at work.
when to report a problem from when to let it go
how to speak in a manner that does not offend
not contributing to rumours or spreading private information
These are things that are best learned through experience. Sure, you can explain all of the above, but words are only words until they make sense. The daily practice of discretion, is where the necessity for it is learned.
Team work
Seems obvious, but as many of us can attest, the workplace is frought with problems, because many people lack the skills to be quality team members.
‘Getting the job done’ may sound like the most important thing (and it is), but how co-workers ‘get the job done’ is where the joy of employment-based team work truly shines.
Furthermore, in the hustle and bustle of work… people often get their toes stepped on, they get offended, and so forth. Learning how to navigate through difficulties, without dwelling on the hurt feelings, is a great lifeskill to develop. The old adage of ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ is a key aspect of team work.
Endurance
An eight hour day, with only two fifteen minute breaks and an hour for lunch is a lot for your son or daughter to get through at first.
Drained by Full Day’s Work
No checking in with his friends, via social media avenues, is a big deal. Is that even possible? (Ha-ha)
To do a proper job, requires focus… Your teen will learn that the phone is a distraction they cannot afford, if they want to do the job well, get paid, earn a good future reference, and basically…
Not get fired!
Humility
Sports can build a sense of pride and accomplishment … and that’s great. Work can build upon this as well, but there’s more.
Your son or daughter will come to recognize their ability to follow instruction, to practice self-control, to be responsible, and accountable for their actions.
This requires not pride, but rather humility. A humble person can be told what to do, and be willing to do the job they are being paid to do.
The Ah Moments of Those Days Off
Reading is still a great way to relax and enjoy some much needed quiet time. In a fast-paced, social-frenzied world, reading remains a positive influence for teens. Their brains continue to develop during these formative years – a little peace and quiet is helpful and more importantly – necessary.
Quiet Time to Unwind
In Suzanne Rightley’s book Stick to Irons one teen discovers that the challenges of making career decisions, is harder than he thought. But thanks to his friends, family, and… his summer job… he’ll learn a lot about himself and what his future may hold.
Ivey Sisters, P.I. explores the mysteries and thrills of inheriting a detective agency. Being a business partner, while continuing her education, presents many challenges for Claire, but with determination and support from family, friends, and co-workers, detective work is… well… fun.
For more books written by Suzanne Rightley visit her author page here.
For some outraged drivers, sitting in the driver’s seat, affords them the freedom to yell and criticize other drivers and pedestrians.
Why is that?
The thing is, most of these same outraged people, would never vent, up close and personal, in someone’s face but within the confines of their vehicles, they become the all-knowing ‘superior drivers’ when they compare themselves to other motorists.
Their driving skills are exceptional (after all).
Sobering Fact: This blog is not likely to sway such drivers because… they already know their behaviour is unbecoming but the venting time is something they need (crave maybe) in efforts to derive a sense of control.
Surely there are other reasons, but the point of this blog is not to psychoanalyze, but rather to look at this from another vantage point… let’s say from the eyes of a five-year-old child.
OOPS!
Consider the following example…
A mom standing at a busy intersection holding her young son’s hand. The boy has his backpack proudly secured over his slim shoulders wearing a grin from ear to ear. He’s excited about going to school.
It’s a busy area with city buses coming and going in all directions because, beside a local elementary school, this is a popular bus stop for university and college students as well. Plus, there are commuters on their way to work.
As the boy and his mom wait to cross the busy street, a bus pulls up to take on ten to fifteen passengers. One of the would be passengers is an elderly man with a cane. He’s slow. Very slow…and many people are huffing about the delay but they keep silent.
Just another day in a busy life. The mom barely notices while the child seamlessly absorbs what he witnesses.
Here’s where it gets interesting…
A motorist pulls up behind the aforementioned bus and is halted, forced to come to a standstill. The other lanes are moving along at a snail’s pace, bumper to bumper. No quick lane change for the now temporarily ‘parked’ motorist.
The honking starts.
Yep… the driver is officially ‘ticked’ at the city bus. The hand goes down heavy on the horn.
From an objective (as opposed to subjective) bystander’s point of view it would go something like… “Hey, what do you expect the bus driver to do? Push a non-existent hydraulic button to raise the bus so you, ‘the important and impatient motorist’, can drive smoothly/safely under the bus?”
Ridiculous… sure. But isn’t honking at a city bus, who is…by nature of the job, at a standstill to allow commuters to board?
Aside from the obvious futility of the motorist’s outrage, at a city bus driver, is the mother’s indifference. She does not bend down to her child’s eye level and explain that the behaviour is not acceptable. What her son is seeing is a lack of patience, consideration, and etc.
For her, this is simply another ‘expected’ behaviour and therefore she gives it little thought…if any.
Meanwhile, her 5 year-old son, seamlessly absorbs what he witnesses. He assimilates the scene as ‘normal’ behaviour.
As motorists – we can do better.
As parents and other significant adults – we can take a moment to explain. Otherwise, in a few short years, this same 5 year-old will become another nameless driver who indulges in the freedom to vent at other ‘idiots’ on the road. Let’s face it… his driving skills are exceptional (after all).
To coin an old phrase… ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but…’
About that but part…
Of course, most of us are familiar with this adage…for good reason. We recognize the second part for what it is…bravado. The truth is a different matter, because yes…words can, and do, most certainly hurt us.
Whether we admit it or not, words affect us.
Kind, thoughtful words encourage, while hateful, judgmental words tear us down.
Furthermore, social media has added a whole new dimension to ‘conversations’ and not always for the best.
It’s easy to fire off a comment, a rebuttal, a criticism considering the anonymity of the Internet. A thoughtless remark has no consequence to the one making it… but to the recipient… well, the words may ‘sting’.
Much has been said about this and a lengthy post is not needed. We get it. However, a reminder, once in a while, may help us to do better.
With that in mind… consider a slight pause before pushing that send button. Think… “Would I say this, to this person, if I were face to face with him or her?”
Moreover, if we are parents, guardians, and teachers, let’s not forget – for a moment – the example we set for our children. We have the responsibility of helping them to adjust and grow into their soon to be adult-selves. If we ever hope for a kinder world, we ought to consider the impact we make on the future generation.
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